


The Hollow Men.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: First Meeting, Pre-Canon, Simon Illyan's Cyborg Issues, Time Period: Reign of Ezar Vorbarra, Yuletide 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-01 23:31:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2791712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon lives to serve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hollow Men.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [karanguni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/karanguni/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, [](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/karanguni/profile)**[karanguni](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/karanguni/)**! The title is from T. S. Eliot. Thanks to Philomytha for the beta.

Imperial Security Headquarters, Vorbarr Sultana, is an imposing building. It was built to be that way. Simon stands at attention across the street. It is midnight. He is cataloging sounds and movements. 

He is to report to Captain Negri tomorrow. Simon remembers the man from their five previous meetings to date; the chip replays the last moments of their last interaction. Simon blinks his eyes to clear the memory. He is still learning all of the ways to signal the chip. They are still monitoring him to ensure he does not go mad.

Simon Illyan watches the Headquarters building. There are no windows. Simon pulls up the blueprints from the chip and starts to track it from the outside. Here is Negri's office. Here is a janitor's closet. Here must be an entrance into the sewers. There are men leaving after their shifts are over. Simon tracks their movements and then turns back to studying the building.

It is meant to be intimidating and Simon will admit to himself -- he must be honest -- the chip forces him to be honest -- that he is a little intimidated. It is not entirely the building's fault. Captain Negri, the man behind the Horus eyes, has spent the Emperor's reign turning ImpSec from glorified Residence guards into a secret police force to rival Political Education.

Simon, to be honest, never intended to end up here.

He had shown promise at the academy back home and had been assigned to coordinate security logistics for minor dignitaries. His talent has always been in organization. His instructors had praised him for his well-ordered mind and then turned around and recommended him for the chip. And Simon had obeyed his superiors and gone. Scientific endeavor will never progress if no one takes a risk, and Simon has put on his uniform every day to put his life at risk for his Emperor. Simon was always a perfect fit for ImpSec. He lives to serve.

Five men went. Two returned. Simon attended Ensign Wallace's funeral two weeks ago. 

Simon touches his wrist. He remembers his instructions. If the chip fails, it must be removed. It must be destroyed. He can summon security in a moment.

He is looking at security.

After fifteen minutes, a groundcar exits the building. It is coming straight at him. Simon does not flinch.

"Get in," says Captain Negri. Simon obeys.

"Tell me what you saw," orders Captain Negri. Simon obediently opens his mouth and the chip responds. He is still getting used to full recall. They are still analyzing if the chip program was a success. They are still assessing Simon to decide if they should send another batch of officers. Simon's opinion has not yet been requested. If it is, he will recommend against it.

Simon holds two memories in his head. He has twenty-four years of organic memory and fifteen weeks of mechanical memory. It is difficult enough already to keep them reconciled. He does not know if it will get better or worse over time. He must always be on his guard.

If asked, he will say that the chips are not yet advanced enough for human implantation. Simon suspects that humans are not yet advanced enough for chip integration. He will not say this. He knows they will not specifically ask.

When the chip finishes, Captain Negri says, "after you report tomorrow, you will be given your new assignment."

"Yes, sir," replies Simon. Captain Negri lets him out of the groundcar.

Simon should walk back to the barracks, but the chip is still processing, and he knows he will not be able to sleep well until it has finished. The chip records everything, but it relies on Simon's biological senses to do it. For the first three days, Simon could barely keep his eyes open; everything was too exhausting and the chip was whirling too loudly. Simon couldn't get the sound out of his head even though he knew it wasn't real. Simon has learned to rein the chip in, but it still asserts its control often. Early chips were mere passive recorders and relied on the organic mind to process the information. Simon's chip is advanced enough that it can make deductions without Simon realizing the chip was even collecting data for it. But it is still a part of Simon's mind and it still has its own needs that Simon must cater to.

Simon is very aware of the difference between seeing and perceiving. He feels hollow, like his body is a mere shell now for the chip. He is a walking vid-recorder, a walking analyzing program. He is not a human anymore.

Simon does not recommend that the chip implementation program be continued.

The map on the chip is guiding Simon and it takes him to a bar. He does not recognize the bar. He has not been here before, but he has been near here before. The chip is likely extrapolating and collecting data on suitable entertainments for Simon. Simon assesses the outside and decides that the chip is likely correct. Simon enters.

The chip has analyzed what the other patrons are drinking and a name comes easily to his lips when the bartender asks for his order. Simon is wearing civilian clothes chosen to blend in. He does not know if he blends in or not.

The chip is suddenly very active. Simon blinks four times.

The chip tells him, go to the far left corner. The chip tells him, there is a man there.

Simon knows what sort of bar this is. Simon walks carefully to the corner. He sits at the table next to the man. He sits at the table next to Admiral Vorkosigan.

"Did Negri send you?" Vorkosigan asks.

"No, sir," Simon says before he can think of a better response.

"Grishnov?"

"No, sir!"

Vorkosigan chuckles. The chip's analysis says that Vorkosigan is likely drunk. The chip's analysis says that Vorkosigan's knuckles are bruised. The chip is showing Simon a half-glimpsed man from outside the bar who was wearing an armsman's uniform. Vorkosigan did not come alone. That is good.

"What's your name?" Vorkosigan asks.

Simon hesitates. The chip is confused. Simon is still teaching the chip about human norms and discretion. The chip is slow to understand. "That does not matter," Simon says. "I am not on duty."

"Your kind are always on duty," Vorkosigan says.

Vorkosigan stands up and Simon braces himself, but then Vorkosigan sits down at the table across from Simon. "You weren't with me at Komarr," Vorkosigan says, but it's a question.

"I was not at Komarr," Simon confirms. He had been having the chip installed. He would not have been sent even if he had not been receiving the chip. Simon's career had been going nowhere. He had been a gifted logistics officer, but when ImpSec needs gifted logistics officers, it steals them from Operations. The ones they grow in house are good for the provinces, never the capital. If Simon survives the chip, he shall have to learn to be a spy. No. The chip will learn to be a spy. Simon will learn to be a body for the chip. "It was a glorious victory," Simon says. "I wish I had been there."

Vorkosigan scoffs. "You don't."

Simon does not like being called a liar. He knows what he would have liked. And Negri wishes Simon had been there. Correction: Negri wishes a successful chip subject had been there. Vorkosigan and Grishnov are having a dispute about certain events that occurred on the flagship and orders that were not given. Negri wishes there had been a vid recorder around that could not be detected or erased. Negri had intended to send Lieutenant Fedorov, who had been in the group before Simon's. Fedorov had not survived the surgery.

"I live to serve," Simon says.

"So you're Negri's," Vorkosigan says, sitting back in his chair. "What's your department?"

"I'm afraid I'm not able to tell you," Simon says honestly. He will find out tomorrow what his department is.

"Your last assignment?" Vorkosigan asks.

"Classified," Simon replies. Simon does not know if Vorkosigan has been read into the chip program. Simon does know that he is not permitted to tell anyone about the chip program. "And your last assignment, sir?" Simon asks.

"Ha," Vorkosigan says. "I see why Negri keeps you around," he pauses, then adds, "Lieutenant?"

"Ensign," Simon corrects. He has been promised a promotion if the chip is successful. The chip will require more responsibilities and more advanced duties. They are merely waiting to see if Simon survives the next two months before promoting him. Before the program, Simon had been a disposable Greekie ensign with a career going nowhere. He would prefer to now be a disposable Greekie _lieutenant_ with a career waiting on the completed integration or failure of the chip. His family would get more money if he died.

Vorkosigan kindly does not point out that Simon is old for an Ensign. "Are you newly transferred, Ensign?" Vorkosigan asks.

"Yes, sir," Simon says. Then, because he cannot see the harm in it, he adds, "I report in tomorrow." 

He does not mention that he has already made contact with Captain Negri or that his transfer was formally dated from when he entered into the program. He is officially returning from detached duty. Simon is learning to be a spy. Being selective in truth-telling is the least of it. Every organic instinct he has is telling him not to lie to a superior officer, and certainly not to lie to Admiral Vorkosigan, the conqueror of Komarr. Simon was given Vorkosigan's plans for the conquest to study while still on bed rest and had dreamed of them for six days afterwards. They were beautiful. Simon is no strategist, but he was a logistics officer and he admires beauty in organization. The chip agrees.

"Good luck," Vorkosigan says. "Don't end up like I did." 

Simon frowns. Simon has studied Vorkosigan's career. Simon has long-admired Vorkosigan's career. Simon does not know why Vorkosigan would not be satisfied by his long career.

Vorkosigan is likely upset about the aftermath of Komarr. The chip does not understand emotion, but Simon does. Perhaps Vorkosigan has complicated emotions about the ending of the conquest.

Simon knows that there is a private inquest involving Grishnov and Vorkosigan. Grishnov calls Vorkosigan a murderer. Vorkosigan is railing about secret orders. Vorkosigan does not think Komarr was a victory for his career. Therefore, Vorkosigan is warning Simon away from having a career like his, because Vorkosigan is angry about the latest part of his career.

However, Simon never could have a career like Vorkosigan's. Vorkosigan is a legend and a hero. Simon is destined to be a silent spy. After tonight, Simon will likely never speak to him again. He may watch Vorkosigan, but this is likely the only conversation Simon will ever have with him. There are so many things Simon wants to ask Vorkosigan, but Vorkosigan, no matter how off-duty either of them is, is still a superior officer. Simon cannot ask about Komarr, cannot ask about any of the details from Vorkosigan's plan that so caught Simon's attention in the hospital. He cannot even ask about the Kanzian war games scenarios, and he has had questions building up about those since he studied them at the district military academy.

"Sir, I would be honored to have half the career you have had," Simon eventually decides upon. The chip finds nothing objectionable about it. Simon hopes Vorkosigan does as well. And it is the truth; Simon would.

"Well, you're young yet," Vorkosigan says. "But be careful. You just might." He stands, pats Simon on the shoulder, and, stumbling, makes his way out the door. Simon watches through the corner of his eye as Vorkosigan's ImpSec guards stand to follow him.

Simon remains where he is, thinking, allowing the chip to process. Simon knows Vorkosigan means that as a warning or a curse, but he does not care. He would be honored to serve Barrayar the way Vorkosigan has. He would not have been sent to have the chip implanted if they were not certain of his loyalty and his willingness to serve. ImpSec is certain of it. Simon is certain of it. It is a certain thing.

Still, struggling to fall asleep that night, the chip replays before his eyes: _but be careful, you just might._

And Simon... he isn't sure.

**Author's Note:**

> [Yuletide Reveal Post](https://lannamichaels.dreamwidth.org/850438.html)


End file.
